I am Love - Case no. 180410

Scene of crime: Cinema, BritCit.

Defendants: Writer & director Luca Guadagnino. Actress Tilda Swinton.

Case for the defence:

"I am Love stars Tilda Swinton as the head of a large, wealthy Milanese family who, with little real temptation or any bad treatment by her husband, into a nude affair with her son's business partner, chef Edoardo Gabbriellini. Two hours of art-house direction, music and themes, almost entirely in Italian with some English and Russian. Plot in no language."

Exhibit A: Defendant Swinton engaged in the crime.

Witness statements:

Seemed like a false call to start with. Everyone from the Times, the Telegraph, grud, even the Independent, seemed to think there was no case to answer to. Even some jimps [tharg note: judge impersonators] over in Boulder seemed to be taken in by it. If you listened to them it was a five-star 'glorious' film.

However, if every judge believed what they were told then we may as well disband becasue according to every perp who's had his collar felt, everyone's innocent. Let me set the record straight citizens - no one is innocent, there's only degrees of guilt.

That's why I roughed up Nigel Andrews at the Financial Times and I was right there was more. A whole lot more. Turns out not only is this film a "long-winded work in an outdated form, in which you could go blind searching for small but essential information", but lead actress Tilda Swinton had a hand in this. She's already facing a charge for lying to a judge, so I reviewed the video logs to see what really happened.

Findings:

At first I felt a little guilty. The first minutes of the evidence swept this old judge up. However, a big warning alarm bell rang inside my head. I'd seen this case before - servants busying themselves, big family dinner, old patriarch telling his family 'as you all know...' - these perps are history freaks. They'd dug up an old Victorian artefact and were passing it off as their own. They're already looking at three years for theft and deception and I was only ten minutes into the vid.

I wish I could have stopped watching then, but a judge has to be thorough and review all the evidence. I'll keep it brief, although the writer couldn't - characters who do nothing, irrelevant flashbacks, characters spouting lengthy speeches on behalf of the writer - grud, I nearly threw up during some of the tracking shots, let alone that speech. And as for the sex scene... Flowers budding. Music crescendo. Climax. I nearly whipped out my lawgiver and shot the screen. Melodrama. And then it ends.

Verdict & sentence:

Luca Guadagnino, in the name of the law, I sentence you to five years hard labour in the off-world penal colony followed by five years in the isolation cubes. May it be an example to others.

Tilda Swinton, three years for withholding information from a judge, three years in the isolation cubes for theft to be served consecutively.

Nigel Andrews, on behalf of the citizens I present you an award of 100 creds.

Now beat it.